So, lately I've really been thinking about selfishness. My selfishness, others' selfishness, and selfishness in the world. I always used to think of it as a bad thing, but more recently I've seen that sometimes there is a need to be selfish in life. I've never considered myself to be selfish in the aspect that I only care about myself and my own wants and needs. I think I've always done a good job of being there for others, and giving of myself even when I don't quite have the stamina to do it, or get anything out of it. I've never cared about getting anything back in return, I just cared about being a good, kind person and trying to be Christ-like and altruistic in my endeavors. When others said I was being weak, or letting others walk all over me and take advantage, I brushed it aside and thought, "No, I'm just being a good friend no matter what."
But now I'm starting to see the light, so to speak. So I ask, when should you stop and say "Hold on now, I'm done being taken advantage of and made to feel this way." When does selfishness go from being necessary, to just plain mean and needy and non-understanding? I've learned lately that there is a fine line. When is it okay to take a second and say I really need to be selfish for myself in this situation?
I never thought of selfishness of a good kind in the past, because I've only experienced it from others in a needy, "me, me, me" kind of way. But now that I'm married and have a baby on the way (sorry guys, I know I relate everything back to being a wife and mommy), I see that there are times when you must be selfish for the wellbeing of your family, even if it's at the cost of others' happiness and what they want. I am learning that being a wife and mother means that I can and should be selfish in certain instances to look out for my family and what they want and need. I haven't always done that, and I may have been a little selfish in ways I'm just now understanding, but I see now. I see that it's okay for me to be selfish, and not do things or be there for other friends or family sometimes. Because that's part of life. As much as I don't like the sound of this, my life isn't about partying, and friends, and being there for any and everyone in my life 24/7. There is a time for that, yes, but more importantly, there is a time for being selfish in my own right, and do what I need for my husband and baby to be. And I think I deserve that right now. I deserve, after all the sacrifices, and selfless giving I've given over the years, to say "Hey, enough is enough! This is my time to get what I need, and not worry about others." So that's how I'll be living my life. Now I'll still be giving and selfless....I'm not saying I'm going to go all out and be crazy selfish in the bad sense....only in the necessary sense. I know what it says about being selfish in the bible, so that conflicts me when I think about all the selflessness God has shown, and shows everyday for us.
So, I started thinking again.....maybe there isn't an "acceptable" selfishness after all......maybe what I'm feeling is a need to have a good balance between giving selflessly to friends, family, and others in this world, while still taking care of myself and family and being responsible, without letting others walk all over me and make me feel bad for it. No one can make me feel bad, without me accepting that first, and I'm not going to do it anymore. So is there a "good" and "bad" selfishness? I'm still not sure, but I do know that this is something people in the world should really give a lot of thought to. I know it's a lot more complex than just what I've expressed here....there's many other facets a person can look at. My goal is just to make sure I have balance and the lines aren't blurred between giving of myself, and taking care of myself and family.
I don't think you are talking about selfishness. Its more about being a good steward of your time and resources. The book I am reading right now called Boundaries goes into this subject quite a bit.
ReplyDeleteYes to be selfish is against what God wants for us but at the same time He doesn't expect us to give until there is nothing. We have many roles and there will always be tension between those roles. Andy Stanley said it well at the last conference I was at...he said to not think of it as maintaining a balance between the two but to manage the tension between the two. There are times you will need to spend 80% of your time on family and 20% other places and there will be times to spend 20% on family and 80% other places.
A good example is work vs family...if you worked all the time you'd have the money but at the cost of family time. if you stayed at home with the family all the time you'd have no money and eventually no home or food. There is a tension there to manage and not necessarily eliminate. Other places there may be tension to eliminate such as parties with high school friends because you are in a new season of life. There is nothing wrong with that.
Anyways...you may want to check out the book Boundaries...it touches on this subject and you might get something out of it. I think it is also good at explaining what a child goes through in the first 2 years of life.
Well I am talking about selfishness, to an extent, among other things. I'm not always good at verbalizing exactly what I am meaning to say. It's more about other people in my life being selfish towards me, and not understanding....not understanding that now that I am becoming a mom, my life is different and my baby is going to come first. My baby will come before going out, or other social stuff, even sometimes with close friends.And while I'm pregnant, I will get sick and sometimes not be able to do things because I need to take care of myself and baby. I want the people close to me to understand, and not get upset when I need to be selfish, not necessarily for me, but for my baby and family, and that's what most of this is about-me having the right to be selfish and not give 110% to people or in areas where I used to. I am having no problems balancing things, I just want others to understand what I'm going through. :)
ReplyDeleteyeah...sounds like maybe they are selfish :) But honestly...thinking about the baby first is probably the most unselfish thing. I can't completely understand what you're going through but you have my support. Marriage and family are one of the most important things especially in this day where both seem to be in dire straits.
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