Trusting God during this new season of our life

In the last 6 months to year, with all the life changes I've experienced, I've seen God work in so many wonderful ways, yet put many difficult tests and situations before me. As hard as some stuff has been, I am thanking and praising Him for these tests, because I've realized that it's all to better build my trust in Him. Now, I consider myself someone who tries to follow God in everything I do, but it can be hard in everyday circumstances. I guess over the last few months, God has seen my trust in Him waver a little, so he started pushing me further. And I didn't see the purpose until this morning, for some reason. It's easy to quote bible scriptures, and other quotes or messages to people, on facebook, or wherever.....but is it as easy to follow what those quotes or messages teach us? Not always....and so while I thought I was following Him, it just hit me this morning, that while I was trying with every good intention in me, I was lacking in the 100% trust and faith department. 

Let me explain:

God tells us to trust Him, and have faith in Him no matter what. And I thought I was doing a pretty good job of that in my life. Until I started getting these lessons, or tests of faith from God, which have pushed my trust and faith to the brink. 

Test #1: Matt and I get pregnant 2 months into our marriage: Now our plan was to start trying around March to July 2011 so we could recover our finances from the wedding, and have time to enjoy being married without children.....but, as you know, here it is Feb. 2011 and I'm almost 5 months pregnant. Now don't get me wrong, I am loving and embracing this blessing, but it has been rough to have to change our plan for God's plan. Most people would freak out and go crazy. I've always known that God has a reason for everything He does, but following that belief 100% of the time is hard.  Especially since I am so neurotically crazy about planning my whole life away....I think He did this to get me to stop planning 24/7 for the rest of my life. He gave us this whirlwind surprise to get me back onto the "Trust Train".  I see now that the purpose of His timing for our pregnancy, is so that we can trust that although we aren't financially where we want to be and have doubts about how we are going to afford and raise this baby, He will bring us through it. It's not always easy to do what God wants us to do, but I'm realizing now that with faith He always brings you through what you think is the impossible. He always creates a way. 

Test #2: Changing relationships:  Since we have gotten married and pregnant, God has done a good job of showing me who our real true friends are. Now I know as people grow up and change, and life happens, you do tend to lose some people in your life, or relationships change due to those experiences. But wow, I was really shocked to see from my friends, as well as Matt's, who stayed in our life and who left once we got married and pregnant. I don't mean people who aren't close friends, or just acquantainces....I mean close friends who you'd think would always be there no matter what. I understand even the closest friendships change as you get older, but there are some I never expected to change or diminish the way they have. I expected some people to not understand, but it's hard stuff when it's the people you don't expect. So God has brought this situation in our lives to see how strong our faith is in Him. This was really hard for me especially, because I had a hard time understanding how my closest friends could just change on me and Matt and "leave" all of a sudden when I got pregnant. I don't want to lose friends, but as this experience has changed me, I'm realizing more and more that God is doing us a favor, and he doesn't want me to fight it. He is making way and clearing room for the people that matter most, and are true friends. Because Lord knows when this baby gets here, we will need all the support, love, and help we can get from friends and family. And we won't have room or time for the people who get upset that we can't go out partying because we don't have a babysitter, or when my morning and night sickness from being pregnant is too much for me to handle. And we won't have room for the people who are too selfish to understand that my baby will come first, and those who stop coming around because they don't want to be around children. God has been making room for the people who understand, and we are going to need in our lives once the baby is here, and I am just now seeing this "trust test" as a good thing. So thanks, God! I am now trusting that the people who have left my life have left for the best.

Test # 3: The actual process of giving birth to this baby: I have no shame in admitting that as much as I love being pregnant, and can't wait for our baby to be here, I am scared out of my mind of the labor and delivery. The only time I've ever been a patient in a hospital is when I was born myself...I've never had any surgery, or been sick for any reason. While I am thankful for my health, I  fear that because of this, I have no idea what to expect, and it's going to be harder on me. I don't like medicine, blood, needles, or anything having to do with a hospital, so it's been scary trying to prepare for what I am going to go through in about 4 months. I am terrified beyond belief of pain, and I've heard so many comforting words from others, but I still am terrified. I'm more terrified of the epidural I think, than the actual labor and delivery part. And I've been praying to God every night to help take care of me during this time and to calm my worries and stress, and so far that's been okay. But I realized a few days ago, that it works only when I'm in prayer with God. I am faithful and assured that He will be right there holding my hand every step of the way during delivery, WHILE I am praying to Him about it. During the day when I think about it, I start to lose that faith for some reason, and let the fear creep in. It's weird, because I tell myself I know it will be okay because God will be there taking care of me and the baby, but I still am fearful. So this made me wonder, "Have I really put 100% trust in God in this situation, if I'm still scared about it?" And I think the answer is no. Someone once told me that God gives you 9 months (10 really) to prepare for a child for a reason. And I know part of that reason is for me to prepare myself for the labor part, and to learn to trust that God will be there for me and the baby. I haven't been doing that 100% of the time, more like only 50 or 60%. So this pregnancy has also been an endurance test for me, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually to trust in Him. I know it is normal to have some worries and concerns during childbirth, but because of my faith, I feel like I should know better....and so I am really working on trusting that God will wash away all my worries and fears of childbirth on the day I give birth. 

So, there you have it. Those are the 3 biggest tests God has been pushing on me these last few months. This pregnancy is such a blessing for Matt and I, but it has brought on so many struggles as well. And I know that it's all for a reason....a bigger purpose, and it will be worth it in the end. In hindsight these things won't matter down the road, but I believe God put these struggles in my life for a reason, to really teach me and build my trust and faith in him 100% of the time. Or at least to try. I know it's hard for us as humans to trust God 100% of the time....but I think what's important to Him is that we live our life TRYING to do just that. I wouldn't be where I am today, or WHO I am today without all of the struggles, or teaching opportunities God has put in my life. I've had many over the years, and so as ambivalent as I feel about some of these new changes and struggles in my life, I welcome them with open arms.....because ultimately I know that these situations are building and shaping me to become closer to the person I am supposed to be, who God wants me to be.
So thank you God, for giving me all of the struggles and tests you've put before me. I am learning to trust in the reasons You do so.