We are having a girl!!!!

So, we've finally announced that we are expecting a baby girl! We found out on Valentine's Day, so it was very special!
The day was perfect....Matt and I both worked a half day, and in the afternoon had my doctor appointment. I wore my pink Valentine's Day shirt to try to give us some "girl" good luck.....and it worked, haha! In the waiting room I was so anxious and nervous that either it was going to be a boy, or that we weren't going to get to find out....seeing as both Matt and I are very stubborn people, I will be surprised if this baby is not very stubborn also. Anyway, all my nerves went away the moment we stepped into the ultrasound room. It was like a calm just came over me, and although I can't explain it, I just knew at that moment that we were having a girl.
So we get started, and, of course baby is very stubborn and would not open her legs to get a good picture! We could see a little bit, and since I was with my sister when she found out the sex of her child, I knew what to look for and where to look....so even though the nurse wasn't saying yet, I knew it was a girl just by looking at the small area we could see. There was nothing sticking out anywhere to indicate it was a boy. The baby was so stubborn that the ultrasound nurse was tapping on my tummy with the rolling device to try to get her to move....which was WAAAAY uncomfy for me because I already had to use the bathroom very badly. Anyway, at the end, the nurse just said, "Well, she's a little stubborn now isn't she?" And that confirmed it. She had known since the beginning, but didn't say it was a girl because she wanted to get a clearer picture. So anyway, that was that. Matt and I held hands, and were so happy....I was tearing up, and I swear I thought Matt was, but he won't admit it. :) 
It was such a special Valentine's Day...our first as a married couple, and with a baby on the way, and we got to find out the gender of the baby....so much love happening! When we were done we celebrated by having an early dinner at Chili's....it was so nice to keep up our tradition of always spending Valentine's Day alone together.....I know some people like to spend it with other friends or family, but we always cherish the day as OURS for just us.....and now baby girl too.  :)


Anyway, it was very hard to keep this news secret all week until Saturday when we had our gender reveal party. Everyone at work and our friends were trying to trip me up, and I did have a few slips, but luckily no one got too suspicious. So we had our party last Saturday, and it was so much fun. My mom was so surprised that she was wrong..she was dead set on it being a boy. Oh well. :)  So now that the cat is outta the bag, the real fun can begin!! We cannot wait to go register, and all I can think of now is pretty pink girly stuff! 
So that's all that's really been going on lately....it's hard to write about other things because this is really what my life is now....besides work, family, and the baby, we don't do much else.  Although I am going to go take a nap and enjoy resting for the rest of today since I am home sick from work. Sick = No Good....but  I hope you all have a Happy Monday! 

Trusting God during this new season of our life

In the last 6 months to year, with all the life changes I've experienced, I've seen God work in so many wonderful ways, yet put many difficult tests and situations before me. As hard as some stuff has been, I am thanking and praising Him for these tests, because I've realized that it's all to better build my trust in Him. Now, I consider myself someone who tries to follow God in everything I do, but it can be hard in everyday circumstances. I guess over the last few months, God has seen my trust in Him waver a little, so he started pushing me further. And I didn't see the purpose until this morning, for some reason. It's easy to quote bible scriptures, and other quotes or messages to people, on facebook, or wherever.....but is it as easy to follow what those quotes or messages teach us? Not always....and so while I thought I was following Him, it just hit me this morning, that while I was trying with every good intention in me, I was lacking in the 100% trust and faith department. 

Let me explain:

God tells us to trust Him, and have faith in Him no matter what. And I thought I was doing a pretty good job of that in my life. Until I started getting these lessons, or tests of faith from God, which have pushed my trust and faith to the brink. 

Test #1: Matt and I get pregnant 2 months into our marriage: Now our plan was to start trying around March to July 2011 so we could recover our finances from the wedding, and have time to enjoy being married without children.....but, as you know, here it is Feb. 2011 and I'm almost 5 months pregnant. Now don't get me wrong, I am loving and embracing this blessing, but it has been rough to have to change our plan for God's plan. Most people would freak out and go crazy. I've always known that God has a reason for everything He does, but following that belief 100% of the time is hard.  Especially since I am so neurotically crazy about planning my whole life away....I think He did this to get me to stop planning 24/7 for the rest of my life. He gave us this whirlwind surprise to get me back onto the "Trust Train".  I see now that the purpose of His timing for our pregnancy, is so that we can trust that although we aren't financially where we want to be and have doubts about how we are going to afford and raise this baby, He will bring us through it. It's not always easy to do what God wants us to do, but I'm realizing now that with faith He always brings you through what you think is the impossible. He always creates a way. 

Test #2: Changing relationships:  Since we have gotten married and pregnant, God has done a good job of showing me who our real true friends are. Now I know as people grow up and change, and life happens, you do tend to lose some people in your life, or relationships change due to those experiences. But wow, I was really shocked to see from my friends, as well as Matt's, who stayed in our life and who left once we got married and pregnant. I don't mean people who aren't close friends, or just acquantainces....I mean close friends who you'd think would always be there no matter what. I understand even the closest friendships change as you get older, but there are some I never expected to change or diminish the way they have. I expected some people to not understand, but it's hard stuff when it's the people you don't expect. So God has brought this situation in our lives to see how strong our faith is in Him. This was really hard for me especially, because I had a hard time understanding how my closest friends could just change on me and Matt and "leave" all of a sudden when I got pregnant. I don't want to lose friends, but as this experience has changed me, I'm realizing more and more that God is doing us a favor, and he doesn't want me to fight it. He is making way and clearing room for the people that matter most, and are true friends. Because Lord knows when this baby gets here, we will need all the support, love, and help we can get from friends and family. And we won't have room or time for the people who get upset that we can't go out partying because we don't have a babysitter, or when my morning and night sickness from being pregnant is too much for me to handle. And we won't have room for the people who are too selfish to understand that my baby will come first, and those who stop coming around because they don't want to be around children. God has been making room for the people who understand, and we are going to need in our lives once the baby is here, and I am just now seeing this "trust test" as a good thing. So thanks, God! I am now trusting that the people who have left my life have left for the best.

Test # 3: The actual process of giving birth to this baby: I have no shame in admitting that as much as I love being pregnant, and can't wait for our baby to be here, I am scared out of my mind of the labor and delivery. The only time I've ever been a patient in a hospital is when I was born myself...I've never had any surgery, or been sick for any reason. While I am thankful for my health, I  fear that because of this, I have no idea what to expect, and it's going to be harder on me. I don't like medicine, blood, needles, or anything having to do with a hospital, so it's been scary trying to prepare for what I am going to go through in about 4 months. I am terrified beyond belief of pain, and I've heard so many comforting words from others, but I still am terrified. I'm more terrified of the epidural I think, than the actual labor and delivery part. And I've been praying to God every night to help take care of me during this time and to calm my worries and stress, and so far that's been okay. But I realized a few days ago, that it works only when I'm in prayer with God. I am faithful and assured that He will be right there holding my hand every step of the way during delivery, WHILE I am praying to Him about it. During the day when I think about it, I start to lose that faith for some reason, and let the fear creep in. It's weird, because I tell myself I know it will be okay because God will be there taking care of me and the baby, but I still am fearful. So this made me wonder, "Have I really put 100% trust in God in this situation, if I'm still scared about it?" And I think the answer is no. Someone once told me that God gives you 9 months (10 really) to prepare for a child for a reason. And I know part of that reason is for me to prepare myself for the labor part, and to learn to trust that God will be there for me and the baby. I haven't been doing that 100% of the time, more like only 50 or 60%. So this pregnancy has also been an endurance test for me, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually to trust in Him. I know it is normal to have some worries and concerns during childbirth, but because of my faith, I feel like I should know better....and so I am really working on trusting that God will wash away all my worries and fears of childbirth on the day I give birth. 

So, there you have it. Those are the 3 biggest tests God has been pushing on me these last few months. This pregnancy is such a blessing for Matt and I, but it has brought on so many struggles as well. And I know that it's all for a reason....a bigger purpose, and it will be worth it in the end. In hindsight these things won't matter down the road, but I believe God put these struggles in my life for a reason, to really teach me and build my trust and faith in him 100% of the time. Or at least to try. I know it's hard for us as humans to trust God 100% of the time....but I think what's important to Him is that we live our life TRYING to do just that. I wouldn't be where I am today, or WHO I am today without all of the struggles, or teaching opportunities God has put in my life. I've had many over the years, and so as ambivalent as I feel about some of these new changes and struggles in my life, I welcome them with open arms.....because ultimately I know that these situations are building and shaping me to become closer to the person I am supposed to be, who God wants me to be.
So thank you God, for giving me all of the struggles and tests you've put before me. I am learning to trust in the reasons You do so. 

Selfishness: To Be, Or Not To Be?

I am really getting into the blog swing of things, aren't I? 2 in one weekend!

So, lately I've really been thinking about selfishness. My selfishness, others' selfishness, and selfishness in the world. I always used to think of it as a bad thing, but more recently I've seen that sometimes there is a need to be selfish in life. I've never considered myself to be selfish in the aspect that I only care about myself and my own wants and needs. I think I've always done a good job of being there for others, and giving of myself even when I don't quite have the stamina to do it, or get anything out of it. I've never cared about getting anything back in return, I just cared about being a good, kind person and trying to be Christ-like and altruistic in my endeavors. When others said I was being weak, or letting others walk all over me and take advantage, I brushed it aside and thought, "No, I'm just being a good friend no matter what."

But now I'm starting to see the light, so to speak. So I ask, when should you stop and say "Hold on now, I'm done being taken advantage of and made to feel this way." When does selfishness go from being necessary, to just plain mean and needy and non-understanding? I've learned lately that there is a fine line. When is it okay to take a second and say I really need to be selfish for myself in this situation?

I never thought of selfishness of a good kind in the past, because I've only experienced it from others in a needy, "me, me, me" kind of way. But now that I'm married and have a baby on the way (sorry guys, I know I relate everything back to being a wife and mommy), I see that there are times when you must be selfish for the wellbeing of your family, even if it's at the cost of others' happiness and what they want. I am learning that being a wife and mother means that I can and should be selfish in certain instances to look out for my family and what they want and need. I haven't always done that, and I may have been a little selfish in ways I'm just now understanding, but I see now. I see that it's okay for me to be selfish, and not do things or be there for other friends or family sometimes. Because that's part of life. As much as I don't like the sound of this, my life isn't about partying, and friends, and being there for any and everyone in my life 24/7. There is a time for that, yes, but more importantly, there is a time for being selfish in my own right, and do what I need for my husband and baby to be. And I think I deserve that right now. I deserve, after all the sacrifices, and selfless giving I've given over the years, to say "Hey, enough is enough! This is my time to get what I need, and not worry about others." So that's how I'll be living my life. Now I'll still be giving and selfless....I'm not saying I'm going to go all out and be crazy selfish in the bad sense....only in the necessary sense. I know what it says about being selfish in the bible, so that conflicts me when I think about all the selflessness God has shown, and shows everyday for us.

So, I started thinking again.....maybe there isn't an "acceptable" selfishness after all......maybe what I'm feeling is a need to have a good balance between giving selflessly to friends, family, and others in this world, while still taking care of myself and family and being responsible, without letting others walk all over me and make me feel bad for it. No one can make me feel bad, without me accepting that first, and I'm not going to do it anymore. So is there a "good" and "bad" selfishness? I'm still not sure, but I do know that this is something people in the world should really give a lot of thought to. I know it's a lot more complex than just what I've expressed here....there's many other facets a person can look at. My goal is just to make sure I have balance and the lines aren't blurred between giving of myself, and taking care of myself and family.

Baby update....sorry, there's not much else going on in my life!

Since I'm trying to get more into writing blogs, I've been getting ideas from other friend's pages lately. So I stole this 5 question survey from a friend, and thought I would post it here...

1. Where did you meet your spouse and did you instantly know it was love?

We met through mutual friends at random parties and gatherings.....I didn't know it was love instantly, because our relationship started off slow....but once it got started, I knew he was the man I was going to marry. :)

2. What is your favorite room in your house?

Right now, it is our living room, because it's the only room that has a tv, and I love the movie/tv date nights with the hubs lounging around on the couch.....once we finish our bedroom though and get a tv in there, I think there will be many a night laying around in bed.

3. Can you wiggle your ears?
Nope lol.

4. What is your evening ritual?
It's become quite different since I've gotten pregnant....Come home, get a snack, (or dinner depending on the time), watch tv/read/facebook or play online/grade papers while lounging, then go to bed around 9-10pm. On the weekends, if we are staying in, it's pretty much the same....if we go out, it just depends.

5. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
I'm chronically tired 24/7, so I think I need at least 7-8....if I had to, I could do it on less, but not 100%.

Anyway, January has continued to not let me down so far! Work has been super busy lately, but things are working out. I have been better about using prayer more often to help me de-stress, and I feel more and more refreshed everyday.

Now that I am in my 2nd trimester most of the sickness has gone away, although I still get a lot of acid reflux after dinnertime, and the headaches my doctor warned me about have really picked up. I'm glad that there is some medicine I can take while prego, but I still don't want to depend on that because I'd like to take the least amount of meds as possible just to be on the safe side.

Here is some info from my pregnancy calendar at week 16 (Even though I'm almost 17 weeks now).

Over the past three weeks your astounding growing baby has managed to stretch yet another 2 full inches (totaling about 4.5 inches) and weighs around 3.5 ounces. Yessireee, that’s some pretty serious growth... and with it comes several physical developments! For starters, their head to body ratio is finally starting to even out a bit as the rest of the body is actually growing faster than the head at this point. Yes, your little light bulb is not so top-heavy. Their adorable little limbs have lengthened, almost reaching their normal proportions which they will have at birth. Their eyes are still closed but moving and if you had an ultrasound, which many doctors recommend you have at about this time, you may even see your little one sucking on a thumb, not to mention the necessary signifiers to let you know whether you’ve got a wee lad or lassie.

So our next appointment is Tuesday, and we probably could find out the sex, but since I'm not getting an ultrasound at this appointment, I'll probably have to wait about 3 more weeks until my next appointment. I cannot wait though, I've been thinking about my baby shower and looking at baby stuff to register for since the moment I found out I was pregnant, and once we find out the sex, we can finally make more finalized plans! I am amazed that in just a few weeks I will be half way though the pregnancy....it doesn't seem like it's been that long since we found out, but it's been almost 3 months. I can't believe it!!

So anyway, I feel like I haven't had much to talk about but babies, but that's all that's really been going on lately, so sorry if it's boring you. LOL. In other news, I am trying to look for more decorating tips, and we are buying some furniture soon, so now that I'm starting to look more into all that, I will post more pics and ideas I have for things I like. I'm about to go hardcore into some scrapbooking, so I'll update more on that when I get there. My first goal is to spend less time on the computer, so I have more time to do the other things I'm really interested in. So we'll see! :)

Changes

So, as I look around at other blogs, I got so many cute ideas for making my blog cute, like putting up pictures, and adding fun little things here and there, but since technology and I don't mix, I got discouraged because it seems like too much effort lol. But I am adamant about trying, and keeping up with this blog, so I figured it was time to write again.

We are 8 days into 2011, and it's already starting off great. I am still feeling sick at night, but since it's the same time every night, my doctor thought I might have acid reflux, so since I've started taking Pepcid AC I have felt so much better! I thought it was odd because I've never had acid reflux before, but apparently some women get it just while they're pregnant. I sure hope it goes away after the baby is here! Other than that, I'm feeling better as I get into my 2nd trimester. I'm 14 weeks and 4 days today, and I am getting bigger and bigger each day, but I don't think I've gained too much excess weight so far, so that's good. That's something I've been worried about because I don't wanna gain anything extra that is not for baby. I am starting to show, and my clothes are tight, so I broke down and started wearing maternity clothes. They are actually quite comfy, and I hate to say that I wish I could wear clothes like this even when I'm not prego! Haha! Anyway, I am starting to enjoy being pregnant a lot more, now that I am feeling better, I'm still tired 24/7, but I was like that before the pregnancy. We can't wait to find out the sex of the baby, and although we are hoping for a girl, we will be happy with a boy also. We just want a healthy baby no matter what. I'm actually enjoying the thought of having a boy a little bit more now, because the stores actually carry cuter boy stuff, or at least, more of a selection when it comes to bedding, clothes, and cute little things. So we'll be fine with whatever God wants to give us.

I have already started planning our "gender party" for close family and friends, and that has been fun. I know the new thing is for the couple to find out the sex at the party with everyone else around, but we want that moment to be intimate and special for just the two of us, so we are going to have the gender party just to reveal the sex to others, and we are going to find out alone. That should happen in about 5 or 6 weeks, depending on our lil nugget's cooperation. :) I can't wait though, because I want to start buying stuff and registering! I know we can still get some unisex stuff already, but I really don't want a lot of unisex clothes for baby. Some are okay, but I really want mostly girl or boy stuff depending on what it is. I know that's bad, but I can't help it. :)

Anyway, I am so excited for what God is planning for our future. Lately I've been feeling a little upset about some things, but I know in the long run it's not going to be important. It's been interesting to see some people change their perception of me, and how they act towards me now that I'm pregnant. I know that things change in many ways once you have a baby, and Matt and I are both happy about those changes because we know they are for the better, not for the worse. But it's a little disheartening when we both have some people that are supposedly friends who start treating you like your life is over, and that having a baby is such a horrible thing because you can't do certain things, like going out drinking all night and stuff. Well, newflash: I don't want to have that lifestyle, where I waste away each day just partying emptilessly (I know that's not a word, but it feels like the best description of what I'm trying to say). I'm fine with not partying, I'm fine with staying home and being with my husband, I'm fine with staying home with my baby, or instead of crazy parties, going to kids birthday parties or functions. That's what life is all about, and that's what I look forward to and want as I grow older. And that doesn't make me "old", or "boring". I understand that we know people who are in different places in their lives, and that's fine---I don't knock them for the lifestyles they choose, so it makes me sad that they would knock me for wanting to grow up and have a family. Just because I've grown up doesn't mean I've lost who I am, or lost my childlike spirit or zest for life. Maybe I'm naive, but I just always thought that even though my friends and I may be in different places in our lives, I didn't think that getting married and having a baby would cause them to look at me differently or change our friendship. Okay, change maybe in some ways, but not dissolve. And I thought the changes that happened would be for the better. But now I'm starting to see that that's happening, and while I was sad at first, I know now that God has put the people that we need in our lives, and if some people don't want to stay in our lives now that we are married and have a baby on the way, then that's fine. I really don't mind....I want friends that are going to uplift me, and be happy for the awesome milestones and changes in my life, and want to share them with me. Because when the time is right for my friends to go through these life changes, I can't wait to be there to celebrate and share those things with them. And if they don't ever want those things, that's fine too....I don't knock them for not ever wanting to get married or have a baby.

So, I've realized now more than ever that there are some people who are meant to be in your life a short time only, and there are true friends that God gives you for a lifetime, no matter what kind of changes occur. And I'm so happy that I have a great group of select few friends who I know will be there until the end of time....well, my time. :)

Sorry for the long blog, I have just really wanted to vent about some of these things lately. I'm so excited for what God is doing in our lives, and I know what's really important in the long run. Stay tuned until next time, I have a lot more to post and update everyone on, just don't have the time now. :)

Wow, exactly 1 year later, I am writing!

So I woke up this morning, and said to myself, "I really should get back to blog writing, since I've only written one blog so far." So I get on after multiple attempts and forgot password emails, and I see that the only blog I wrote was EXACTLY a year ago today! What a coincidence, that I felt the need to write on today, one year ago.

I've been neglectful of blog writing since I've been so busy, but one of my goals for 2011 is to stick with it and be a better "blogger". :) This last year, 2010 has been a busy, eventful year. I finished my first year of teaching, planned a wedding and got married to my love, Matt, and started my 2nd year of teaching. There have been so many ups and downs, and on top of it all, getting pregnant only a few months after getting married has added to all the busy-ness. So as I read through my blog from last year, I think it is quite funny that in it, I was worried about last New Year's Eve being a good one in case I was pregnant and couldn't drink for next New Year's..... and oh, the irony, look at me now!

I am about 12-13 weeks pregnant, and last year I was a little ambivalent about what the future was going to hold as a married woman. But here I am, a year later, and I've got to say, I'm not sure why I was worried about losing any part of me after getting married and having a baby. It is by far, the best thing that's ever happened, and I am so blessed. God has been so good to Matt and I this year, and I am crazy grateful. He is the best husband I could ask for, and I'm not sure why people say that nothing changes after marriage, because for us, a LOT did. Maybe everyone's different, or maybe it's because we lived with our parents for a few years and getting back to being on our own has been a great adventure, but our relationship has only grown and gotten better since we've been married. We've grown so much closer than we were before we were married, and I know people might say it's because we're "newlyweds", and it'll wear off, but I don't agree. I know some of the "spark" will eventually die down, but overall the things that have gotten better since our marriage are not things that are likely to die down later on. They are things that are static, unchanging. And I am so happy.

So now that we have a baby on the way (due on 4th of July), I feel like life is just getting better. I know there are things that we won't be able to do anymore, or at least, not as often, like going out with friends 24/7, but I'm not worried. I'll take being a mommy over partying any day. I like taking it easy, and I know that the friends that matter will still stick around once we have the baby, and we'll still get to hang out and see friends....in other words, I know having a baby does not equal the end of the world, lol. Seeing my cousins with babies, and my sisters with my nieces and nephews just makes me realize what life is all about---family. Having children is the greatest blessing and miracle God can give to someone, and I am so blessed that He wants me to be a parent right now, and thinks so much of me that I can do it. :)

So, as the new year approaches, I can't help but be filled with joy and love, and hope for the future. This New Year's Eve is going to be so different and special because of the anticipation that this new year is going to be bringing so many wonderful new experiences for Matt and I. We really are "growing up", lol! I still have some things I'd like to work on for the new year, of course, but I know with God by my side I'll be able to fulfill the goals I have. Rather than making a list of a million resolutions I want to accomplish, that I know will end up getting pushed to the backburner and forgotten, I've resolved to only make one or two overall goals for the new year that are attainable. And I know if I can accomplish these few things, all the other small things I want to work on will get encompassed within just these few. So those are:

1. Live a more Christ-like life that I can portray to my new baby, and use to show God's love and grace to those around me. (This includes me becoming closer to God.)

2. Work at being more organized in all aspects of my life.

So yeah, I think if I can conquer those two goals, all the other things I want in life will fall into place. It doesn't matter if I don't 100% accomplish these things, because what is important is that I try and get close. Each year is a journey, and I know that I am a work in progress, and God has me in the palm of His hand, taking care of me, and molding me into who He wants me to be. And that's fine with me. :) I do plan on keeping up with this blog more, so stay tuned for more of my ramblings.....I promise it won't be another year before I blog again! :)

New year, new beginnings

Hey everyone! I've been meaning to set up this blog site for awhile since I don't care too much for the notes or blogs that facebook lets you put up, and finally I got around to doing it! Check back often, as I'll be writing blogs here and there to chronicle the things going on in my life. While this journal type blog will be like a window to my soul sometimes, read at your own risk because I'll warn you (like the title says), my mind can be a scary place! :) So anyway, to start off, here is what has been on my mind during these last few weeks of 2009.........

I've been realizing how more and more I'm really growing up. I know that sounds silly because I have been grown for awhile now, but with my first real career job, and impending marriage, this is the first time it's seemed real. While I am loving every minute of how my life is changing, I've always been a little resistant to change, and so I'm finding myself very reminiscent, you could say. I guess everyone tends to look back on their lives around this time of year, while they plan out what their New Year's resolution will be, or just reminisce on the good and/or bad times. But for me, this year ending seems to be symbolic, because many things in my life will also be ending here soon. Maybe it's because I'm also at that turning point age, 25, where you are in the middle of that partying/life-is-all-about-me-and-having-fun stage, and the it's-time-to-grow-up-and-focus-on-the-bigger-picture stage, but I do feel like I'm at a crossroads.

I know that in 2010 I will be embarking on the next chapter of my life, getting married and starting a family, and I'll be the first one to say I couldn't be happier about this chapter. It's all I've ever wanted in my life, and I can't wait to take that journey with Matt. So that's why I'm a little confused as to why part of me is sad that my life as I know it now will be changing. I know I will always have my friends, but I'm a little sad just knowing that once I'm married I won't get to see them as often, or hang out like we used to. I know that God has wonderful things planned for my future as a wife and mother, it's just a little strange knowing that these next 7 months will be like chapter endings to my life, and that as a "real" adult, life will be different.

Like New Year's Eve, for instance......the last few years we've really toned it down anyway, which happens as you get older, right? But earlier I was thinking that since next Christmas and New Year's Eve we plan on being pregnant (that's the plan, anyway), this was my last Christmas as a single (not married) woman without children. And on Thursday, this New Year's Eve will be my last chance to "go all out" and do whatever I want without having to worry about a babysitter or other stuff. Now I don't really care to go all out, but knowing that it's my last chance (at least for awhile anyway) gives me a kind of sad feeling, and makes me wanna go crazy, just for the hell of it.

I guess this is just a natural part of life, and I have to give it up to God, right? And trust that the next chapter He writes in my life will be much better and enriching than the last.....after all, starting a family of your own is what life's all about, right?