Awesome poem!!!

I came across this poem the other day through my preemie support group website, and wanted to share it. It made my cry, it's so sweet....and a wonderful reminder that God has a purpose for each of our lives, and hand picks and designs our children specifically for us. 

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen
(Erma Bombeck)

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?
Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation.

As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.

"Beth Armstrong, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.

Marjorie Forrest, daughter.Patron Saint, Celia.

Carrie Rutledge, twins. Patron Saint ... give her Gerard. He's used to profanity.

"Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie.

"The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God.

"Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it.

I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother.

You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own.

She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that.
This one is perfect.She has just the right amount of selfishness.

"The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive.
Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect.

She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.

She will never take for granted a spoken word.

She will never consider a step ordinary.

When her child says 'mama' for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it.

I will permit her to see clearly the things I see ignorance, cruelty, prejudice and allow her to rise above them.

She will never be alone.

I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

Faith in the good times, Faith in the bad times

So last time I was a little annoyed and overwhelmed, and now I am much more refreshed....venting and getting feelings off your chest really can do good sometimes! Today I am feeling thankful or what I do have...things have been crazy and hard, but at the same time wonderful, and I couldn't ask for a better journey to be on, and for a better family to be on this journey with. 

I am loving how God uses things and people in your life to bring you closer to Him and strengthen your trust in Him. I've never seen that as clearly in my life as I have in the last year or so, and especially the last few months. Everything really does happen for a reason and I've been able to see that without certain hardships in life we may not ever learn to fully rely on God and give up complete control to Him. I am seeing that right now with our financial struggles. When we made the decision for me to stay at home with Katelyn, we planned it out, and we were doing okay then, so we agreed that we would do it as long as we financially could handle it. Most people probably know that lately we have been struggling and not sure we can handle it much longer now....so  we are now facing the decision for me to go back to work or stay at home. It has been so hard, but I am fully leaving it in God's hands. I know in my heart that I am meant to be a stay at home mom, and I really believe that is what God wants and is His plan for me as well...but I also have no problem working for awhile to help us get back on track, so I'm going to be substitute teaching, which is the kind of flexible job I need to still be able to still meet Katelyn's needs....but I still don't know if that's going to be enough, and so I've been praying for some kind of resolution, or opportunity from God that will allow us to be stable enough for me to stay home and not have to find a higher paying, more demanding job than what subbing offers. I know God is faithful and I've been praying that if I am truly meant to stay home full time that He will open a door with an opportunity that will allow that to happen....whether it be a promotion or raise for my husband, or somehow coming into a big sum of money, or even lessening our debt somehow, I know that He will provide that opportunity. And, if His Will is for me to indeed go back to work full or part time, I know that He will open a door with an opportunity for that. While I still worry sometimes, I am finding myself stopping that kind of thinking more and more and just giving it to God in that moment. Some people may think that is silly and I'm just sitting around doing nothing to try to change my financial situation, but I know that it is not my battle to fight....God doesn't want me to try to fight it and take care of it myself....it is His battle, and He will fight it for me and provide what we need. 

So right now I'm waiting on Him to show me what it is He wants me to do. It's hard, but there is no other option but to have faith and trust. I'm actively waiting, I guess I should say, because I'm still pursuing subbing or other on the side jobs that still allow me to be with Katelyn when needed....which would be ideal, but we will just wait and see how everything turns out. I am trusting what I know, and what I know is that God is a faithful God and will never give us more than we can handle. That, along with my women's bible study is what is helping me hold on. That's another thing......my women's bible study is AMAZING!! I love how God works....He knew exactly what I needed and when I needed it.....my Wisdom for Mothers study is a lifesaver, and I am so thankful for God's timing in bringing this to me. It's so wonderful to meet other moms who have the same struggles that I am having as a mom, wife, and woman, and I am loving learning biblical solutions to handle the demands of motherhood, and awesome mothering skills to help bring up Katelyn as a godly person. Tuesdays are now my favorite day of the week. Lol. I am so glad I found this study while Katelyn is so young....it is completely transforming the course of my mommyhood! And on top of it all, it is helping me to get more in depth into the bible and that in and of itself is its own lifesaver! :) I love reading the bible regularly anyway, but this study is forcing me to get more deep with is, and I love that! 

Anyway, that's my life as of late. Faith in the good times, Faith in the bad times. I can't complain (even though I do at times, lol.....but God always brings me back to where I need to be somehow). I am learning to love life through the struggles and imperfections, and just give it all up to God. 

A little venting sometimes can do a lot of good :)

It's been hard to find time to blog lately, seeing that when Katelyn naps, I use that time for showering, cleaning, and trying to nap myself. Haha, that last one was a good one...nap myself! (Like that ever REALLY gets to happen....whoever said to "sleep when baby sleeps" must not have children...either that, or she is superwoman and can do it all.) 


Anyway, things have been steadily getting better, as far as babygirl goes. She's now almost 6 months old, but about 3-4 months adjusted. Although she has a touch of colic and tummy issues and cries quite a bit, now that she's getting bigger, she is sleeping a little better at night--courtesy of the gripe water we've started giving her to calm her tummy down. That stuff works miracles! It's still hard, but getting a lot more manageable...I've been stressing because she isn't yet caught up, and I've had a hard time comparing her to other babies her age, but once I started to keep in mind her adjusted age and not compare her, I had much more peace of mind. It's just that having a preemie is hard! Everyone thinks it's all fine and dandy once the baby comes home from the NICU, but they don't understand that there's so much more care that goes into it....there are so many things we have to do differently, or just be mindful of  "because she's a preemie", that most parents don't have to worry about. Sometimes I just want to be able to take "general" baby tips/advice  that can be applied to her....I don't want to have to say, "Well, because she's a preemie that might not work for her...." to everything! I love her so much, and am so grateful that God took care of her and answered our prayers, and I am thankful for the journey He put us on, but sometimes I wish that I didn't have to worry about all this preemie stuff, and she didn't always have to have personalized care and I could just go with the flow sometimes.  Anyway, I guess I should stop griping and be thankful (maybe I need some gripe water, lol), it's just good to vent sometimes.....


In other news, well.......well, these days I don't normally have other news since everything is always about Katelyn! Lol. I guess I need to get a life again outside mommyhood, huh? Although I have been thinking about lots of other things lately, just life changes and all that good stuff. It's been hard, fun, weird, and interesting seeing myself go through life stages and changing as I have....as well as others around me. In high school, I was so in la-la land, with such grandiose, "romantic" ideals about life, love, marriage and babies....it's been funny to see those thoughts and ideals get revised as I've grown and had more life experiences...through college in another city, and college at home, to dating, marriage and a baby.....it has been a whirlwind, and I wouldn't change a single part of my journey, for I would not be who I am today if not for those experiences. 
I get a little sad, and nostalgic sometimes to think of some of the changes that have happened in my life, but I know that it is part of life, and that sometimes things we don't want to happen are necessary to keep us on the path we are supposed to be on. 
I knew things (as far as lifestyle choices, relationships/friendships, and life goals) would change once I got pregnant, because I saw those people and their attitudes change basically overnight right before my eyes, but it still hit hard. I never believed the whole  "people who don't have children don't understand until they have their own" saying, but once I experienced it firsthand, I knew that it is so crazy true. Having a child does not put me on a better, or higher "level" than others, but parenthood really is on a different level, all its own. And I get it now....it's hard for people who don't have kids to really know how it is. They can only empathize to a certain extent. I think that has been one of the hardest things to swallow in becoming a new parent....accepting the relational changes that are bound to occur. Of course I was expecting me to change, for the better..... but I wasn't prepared for others in my life to change, and their viewpoint of me and my life, to change. Sometimes I just want to scream to people, "Don't pity me for having a baby! I'm fine, I'm happy, it's not a disease, a disorder, or anything wrong with me, so stop acting like it!" I always thought that even when friends were in different places in their lives that it was okay, and that friends could go along with life down separate paths and still be able to come back and meet in the middle of the proverbial "fork in the road" and still remain close with a little maintenance. But I learned that it takes maintenance on both ends...friendships constantly require upkeep from all parties involved, and when the other parties don't want to do the upkeep or try, there's not much else I can really do. It's just weird, because I always knew that the dynamics of how my friendships worked would change when Katelyn was born, but I never expected the actual relationships to change, or become stagnant and distant, and taper off. I guess I'll never understand it. All I know is that the only people I want to raise Katelyn around are those who put in the effort to stay in my life, so she has a good example of the kind of relationships/friendships she should pursue in her life. I want Godly, lasting friendships, not fickle ones that go wherever the wind takes em. I don't mean to be complaining about this, I'm just having a hard time with it. I could go on and on, but I won't anymore. I'm too drained, so I'm gonna leave this unfinished. Blah.

It's been 5 months since I last blogged, and my oh my how life has changed!!

Well, the last time I blogged I was a 28 week pregnant woman, dreading the stress of the impending end of the 2010-2011 schoolyear, as well as the thought of being pregnant for another 12 weeks throughout the hottest summer since 1980. On April 14, I was blogging about my daughter's future, and little did I know that just 2 weeks later she would be gracing this world with her beautiful, surprising presence!


The last 4-5 months have been a huge roller coaster....on April 26th the course of my pregnancy changed for good......
I will not go on forever about details, so to make a long story short, on April 26th I wobbled  in for my weekly appointment at 30 weeks pregnant (yes, I started having weekly appointments at around 25 or 26 weeks due to some complications), and was told that due to very high blood pressure and increasing edema, I needed to have bloodwork done to be tested for the possibility of preeclampsia, which can be very serious and life threatening for the baby and mother during labor. So about 2 days later, my husband took me to the ER at 4am because I was feeling sick and having cramps and chest pains, and sure enough, I had severe preeclampsia. Originally my doctor's goal was to keep me on bedrest in the hospital and get me to 34 weeks, but when they saw my protein levels (over 10,000, when normal level is around 300), they decided that Katelyn and I were both safer with her out of the womb, and that they needed to induce asap to deliver the baby. This was the morning of Friday April 29th, so from then on, they induced, wanting to deliver naturally, but after over 24 hours of labor, I had to have an emergency c-section when the baby's heartrate started dropping rapidly. (Which I knew was going to happen because she was 2 1/2 pounds so I knew she couldn't handle going through the birth canal.) That was the scariest part, because they wisked me away, (without Matt being able to be in the room) knocked me out, and within like 10 minutes Katelyn was born at 12:36 pm on Saturday, April 30th, weighing 2.9lbs, and 14 1/2 inches long.
It was not the labor and delivery scenario I pictured.....I always pictured Matt being there holding my hand, seeing his daughter being born, and getting to cut the cord....I pictured the joyous crying at the end of it all, with us getting to see her and hold her for a second before they took her to clean her off. But since it had to happen so fast, and she was 2.9lbs and in danger, and I was drugged up, Matt wasn't there, and I didn't get to see her until the next day. I wasn't even "awake" or coherent since I was put under anesthesia, and they rushed her off to the NICU and I to recovery......I don't remember much of that day, and I hate that that is the memory I will always have of the moment she was born---nothing at all.  :(
Anyway, 8 days later I got to go home, but Katelyn had to stay in the NICU. She was there for just over 5 weeks, and it was the longest 5 weeks of my life. But I did learn how strong I was, and how absolutely  FAITHFUL  God is. If not for Him, i wouldn't have made it. By the grace of God, and the WONDERFUL angels on earth, (aka the NICU nurses and doctors),  she got to come home at 4.5lbs. on June 7, 2011.  Since her birth, it has been nothing but chaos. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I had my baby showers AFTER she was born, finished her nursery AFTER she was born, and have been up to my knees in stress and chaos. But our miracle is home and doing well, and I can't complain about that! She is now about 18 weeks old, and just over 10 pounds. Her doctor is very impressed with how well she is gaining weight, and has full confidence that she will be all caught up by her first birthday!
So much more than I can explain and write about has been going on,  but I haven't had the time to write about every little detail over the last 5 months, and I'm so sad that I've neglected to document and share all of that with you....but my goal is to truly start from now on......stay tuned, as I will be blogging at least once a month to give monthly updates on our sweet miracle from God! :)

A letter to Katelyn.....

I have been keeping up with a real journal for Katelyn throughout my pregnancy, and writing her letters for when she's an adult, but recently I was inspired by a blog written by my favorite radio host Liz Jordan from KSBJ  (she and I are due a week apart and both having girls) to write to Katelyn about her future husband, and so I thought I'd share my letter here....because it's never too early to start praying for the man who will be lucky enough to win the heart of our babygirl.  :)

Dear Katelyn,

So much has been going on lately that has got me thinking about the future, and I got to thinking about your future husband to be. It hit me that even though you are still in my tummy, it's never too early to pray for the man who will sweep you off your feet and into a life of awe-inspiring beauty and love. I wonder if he is already born? Is he from Europe, or California, or Wisconsin or somewhere else far away? I wonder if he is learning to walk, or making his parents laugh with silly facial expressions? I wonder if he'll have blue eyes or blonde hair? I wonder if he likes to sing and dance? Wherever he is, I know that God has already formed him in His image, and, just like He knows every detail of you, He knows everything about him also. I know that God knows the plan for his life already, and for the two of yours together. It takes my breath away thinking of all the adventures God has in store for his life, and the things that will happen to him to mold him into the man he will become, on his journey to finding you. I wonder what he'll think the first time he lays eyes on you....I wonder what he will look like, and how you two will meet each other. I can't wait for the day to get the phone call or visit from you, excitedly telling me every little detail about him.....about the first conversations, and how your stomach had butterflies the first time he held your hand, or put his arm around you.....about your first date....about how he proposes. I can't wait for you to be able to experience those things with your future husband. 

Love is such a beautiful, amazing, awe-inspiring and life changing experience and I can't wait to see what God has in store for you and your future husband's journey together. There will be hard times along the way, (and times you will want to ring his neck), but I know that with a mutual love for and faith in the Lord, you will be able to get through any and all of love's challenges with God by your side. And me, of course....I'll always be there to see  you through any challenge you face. 

I pray for the man who is to become your husband, and for your future marriage....I pray that he will be a gentleman, a spiritual leader for you and your family, and an example of what a provider should be, and that his goal in life is to be as Christ-like as possible in all his endeavors.  I also pray that as you grow up you will take notice throughout the years of how wonderful a man your dad is, and see the example he is setting for what a husband should be. I pray that you see how hard and how much he works for, and takes care of us, and loves us to the depths of his innermost being. I pray that you see what kind of husband you want and deserve when you look at the kind of man your dad is. 

I am so excited to get to watch you experience these things in your journey through life....I know that right now that is years off in the future, but I love thinking about who you will become and the experiences you'll have. (To quote one of my favorite books, "Oh, the places you'll go!")  It excites me to my core. And I hope you will always know throughout life that your dad and I will always be there no matter what to see you through all these experiences, good or bad. You already bring so much joy and love to us and you're not even  here yet....I can't fathom how much more light and joy you are going to bring to us once you are here, but I know that it will only get better. So I hope you know as you go through this life how special you are, and what you deserve....because I know you are going to be one of a kind, babygirl! 

Love, 

Momma

Random Sunday morning thoughts......

So it never fails that I'm never able to sleep in on the weekends. So here I am, up with a million different thoughts:


-Katelyn isn't even born yet, and I've already started thinking about and scheming ideas in my head for her first bday party....is that bad? (I'm officially obsessed with birthday parties)
-I'm working on becoming a domesticated diva....(minus the cooking part)....I'm really getting into decorating, home improvement (even though we don't own our house yet), scrapbooking, and organizing.....now I just need the money to put all my ideas in motion....or the time to scavenger hunt for good bargains and turn them into great finds! 
-I need to have a garage sale BIGTIME. 
-Better Homes and Gardens is my new fav magazine by the way!
-I am seriously going crazy thinking about scrapbooking Katelyn's life away.
-I would so move to Austin if we could stand to be away from our family and friends.....plus there's no way we are going to raise Katelyn away from her family.
- I have really been craving pancakes lately!
-My dog just ate a baby possum or rat or something outside....there is no way he is getting his morning kisses from me now! And good thing he has his rabies shots! 
-I am ready to just plop down into a pool for the next 3 months....I got a new maternity bathing suit and I am ready to put it to use!! 
-Anyone have a pool I can come lounge around by for the next 3 months?  :)
-The next 8 weeks cannot go by fast enough...workwise.....
-I am ridiculously in nesting mode and I want everything in order for Katelyn now!! That's all I can think about! 
-When I found out I was pregnant, I started writing a journal for Katelyn....it's bee fun adding to it throughout this pregnancy and telling her all about our experiences.....I'm so keeping it up until she's 18 and giving it to her at her graduation.
-In case you couldn't already tell, most of these random thoughts have to do with my babygirl to be.....I know, I'm a bit obsessed! :)

To Spank, or Not to Spank?

So I've always had a strong personal opinion on this topic, but now that I am becoming a parent myself, it's really been weighing on my mind more often. Now, before I go off on a tangent on my soap box, here me when I say I'm not intending to cause a sparked debate or controversy, and I'm not against spanking, but I'm not completely for it either. I am not one of those people who are crazy advocates of not spanking, but I don't like the stereotypical views that old school, hardcore pro-spanking people have against those of us who don't believe that spanking should be the first or necessarily the most appropriate option for discipline. And I'm so glad that my hubby and I are on the same page with this topic! 
Yes, at one point in high school and some of college, I WAS 100% against spanking, but after getting my psychology degree and taking multiple child abuse and child psychology classes in college, and becoming a teacher, the research and classroom has caused me to sway onto the moderate side within the last 5-6 years. I consider myself in the middle when it comes to spanking children, because I do believe that spanking has its place and effectiveness, but I have a lot of beef with many spanking principles that a lot of people have, and I don't think a lot of people get how it should be...I don't always think that spanking is the best discipline choice. 
So, soap box turned ON:
 It's really annoying to see or hear about parents spanking their children 24/7, but not doing it right, then wondering and complaining about why their child's behavior hasn't changed. I believe spanking has its time and place, but the problem I have is that many parents don't spank effectively. I know I don't have personal experience with my own child YET, but growing up being spanked, and with all the years of research I've done on this, I believe that there is a right way to spank, and it won't work unless the child is old enough to have a discussion about and understand why they were spanked and why their behavior was not acceptable.


Another problem is that so many parents spank out of anger, not out of love, or to teach right from wrong, like it should be. I was spanked as a child, and I love my parents, but I must say that it never did one bit of good for me. Why? Because I could always see that I was being spanked out of anger, just because my parents were mad about what I did, and they wanted me to stop my immediate behavior. There was never a discussion about my behavior, or why it wasn't okay, or what would happen in the future if I did it again. Sure it got me to stop momentarily, but I never learned anything from it, and almost always the behavior occurred again in the future. It just grinds my gears when I see people spanking this way, because it really just fosters resentment from the child as they grow up. 
I'm not saying it's easy to discipline effectively, but I believe it's definitely necessary and vital to successfully raising an emotionally stable, healthy child. I think sometimes spanking is the best option, but shouldn't always be the first resort that parents run to. I believe that other disciplinary options, like positive reinforcement, time outs, and taking away privileges are great places to start, depending on the severity of the behavior. And spanking will never be effective if the child doesn't understand the reasoning behind the spanking. Without that, they will never learn, and the behavior will most likely return and even increase in time. Now I definitely will spank my children whenever necessary and when it appropriately fits the behavior as the best consequence, but never will it be without a discussion. And I feel that this is the best way to effectively spank. It just hurts my heart when I see parents hindering their children's emotional wellbeing by using spanking for their own personal issues, and not for the sake of teaching right from wrong....that's why so many children grow up resentful, and with anger issues today....I'm not saying that's the only reason and parents are fully to blame, but it's a huge part of the issue I think. 
And I don't mean to harp on parents who are guilty of spanking this way, and I don't mean to hit any controversial buttons or imply that parents are "bad parents" if they spank ineffectively....I am not judging anyone or their parenting skills here...I understand that I am low on the totem pole when it comes to experience with my own child, since she is still in the womb....I just believe that the only way for anyone to ever learn or change is to get the dialogue going, and minds thinking about how to be the best and most effective parent they can be. Being a teacher has taught me so much about children's behaviors and motivations, and I've seen how big of a problem the parents CAN be. Not spanking at all can be just as huge of a hindrance for a child as spanking ineffectively, depending on the child and the parent. But what's important is to get people thinking about how to not necessarily spank better, but DISCIPLINE better. That's all this is, me thinking about what I want my parenting style to be as I  raise my babygirl. Because in the end, that's what it's all about right? The children.....and guiding them to become healthy, emotionally stable children and successful adults. 
Okay, Soap Box OFF. 
Sorry for the tangent, I've just always felt strongly about this, and it's been on my mind a lot more lately since I'm expecting, and Matt and I have been thinking about how we want to raise our babygirl Katelyn. I'm just thankful I have a loving hubby who agrees with this philosophy! So, yeah, that's all for now....hopefully no one was offended by this....it was not meant to start any debate or controversy.....just my thoughts and opinions!  :)