It's been 5 months since I last blogged, and my oh my how life has changed!!

Well, the last time I blogged I was a 28 week pregnant woman, dreading the stress of the impending end of the 2010-2011 schoolyear, as well as the thought of being pregnant for another 12 weeks throughout the hottest summer since 1980. On April 14, I was blogging about my daughter's future, and little did I know that just 2 weeks later she would be gracing this world with her beautiful, surprising presence!


The last 4-5 months have been a huge roller coaster....on April 26th the course of my pregnancy changed for good......
I will not go on forever about details, so to make a long story short, on April 26th I wobbled  in for my weekly appointment at 30 weeks pregnant (yes, I started having weekly appointments at around 25 or 26 weeks due to some complications), and was told that due to very high blood pressure and increasing edema, I needed to have bloodwork done to be tested for the possibility of preeclampsia, which can be very serious and life threatening for the baby and mother during labor. So about 2 days later, my husband took me to the ER at 4am because I was feeling sick and having cramps and chest pains, and sure enough, I had severe preeclampsia. Originally my doctor's goal was to keep me on bedrest in the hospital and get me to 34 weeks, but when they saw my protein levels (over 10,000, when normal level is around 300), they decided that Katelyn and I were both safer with her out of the womb, and that they needed to induce asap to deliver the baby. This was the morning of Friday April 29th, so from then on, they induced, wanting to deliver naturally, but after over 24 hours of labor, I had to have an emergency c-section when the baby's heartrate started dropping rapidly. (Which I knew was going to happen because she was 2 1/2 pounds so I knew she couldn't handle going through the birth canal.) That was the scariest part, because they wisked me away, (without Matt being able to be in the room) knocked me out, and within like 10 minutes Katelyn was born at 12:36 pm on Saturday, April 30th, weighing 2.9lbs, and 14 1/2 inches long.
It was not the labor and delivery scenario I pictured.....I always pictured Matt being there holding my hand, seeing his daughter being born, and getting to cut the cord....I pictured the joyous crying at the end of it all, with us getting to see her and hold her for a second before they took her to clean her off. But since it had to happen so fast, and she was 2.9lbs and in danger, and I was drugged up, Matt wasn't there, and I didn't get to see her until the next day. I wasn't even "awake" or coherent since I was put under anesthesia, and they rushed her off to the NICU and I to recovery......I don't remember much of that day, and I hate that that is the memory I will always have of the moment she was born---nothing at all.  :(
Anyway, 8 days later I got to go home, but Katelyn had to stay in the NICU. She was there for just over 5 weeks, and it was the longest 5 weeks of my life. But I did learn how strong I was, and how absolutely  FAITHFUL  God is. If not for Him, i wouldn't have made it. By the grace of God, and the WONDERFUL angels on earth, (aka the NICU nurses and doctors),  she got to come home at 4.5lbs. on June 7, 2011.  Since her birth, it has been nothing but chaos. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I had my baby showers AFTER she was born, finished her nursery AFTER she was born, and have been up to my knees in stress and chaos. But our miracle is home and doing well, and I can't complain about that! She is now about 18 weeks old, and just over 10 pounds. Her doctor is very impressed with how well she is gaining weight, and has full confidence that she will be all caught up by her first birthday!
So much more than I can explain and write about has been going on,  but I haven't had the time to write about every little detail over the last 5 months, and I'm so sad that I've neglected to document and share all of that with you....but my goal is to truly start from now on......stay tuned, as I will be blogging at least once a month to give monthly updates on our sweet miracle from God! :)

A letter to Katelyn.....

I have been keeping up with a real journal for Katelyn throughout my pregnancy, and writing her letters for when she's an adult, but recently I was inspired by a blog written by my favorite radio host Liz Jordan from KSBJ  (she and I are due a week apart and both having girls) to write to Katelyn about her future husband, and so I thought I'd share my letter here....because it's never too early to start praying for the man who will be lucky enough to win the heart of our babygirl.  :)

Dear Katelyn,

So much has been going on lately that has got me thinking about the future, and I got to thinking about your future husband to be. It hit me that even though you are still in my tummy, it's never too early to pray for the man who will sweep you off your feet and into a life of awe-inspiring beauty and love. I wonder if he is already born? Is he from Europe, or California, or Wisconsin or somewhere else far away? I wonder if he is learning to walk, or making his parents laugh with silly facial expressions? I wonder if he'll have blue eyes or blonde hair? I wonder if he likes to sing and dance? Wherever he is, I know that God has already formed him in His image, and, just like He knows every detail of you, He knows everything about him also. I know that God knows the plan for his life already, and for the two of yours together. It takes my breath away thinking of all the adventures God has in store for his life, and the things that will happen to him to mold him into the man he will become, on his journey to finding you. I wonder what he'll think the first time he lays eyes on you....I wonder what he will look like, and how you two will meet each other. I can't wait for the day to get the phone call or visit from you, excitedly telling me every little detail about him.....about the first conversations, and how your stomach had butterflies the first time he held your hand, or put his arm around you.....about your first date....about how he proposes. I can't wait for you to be able to experience those things with your future husband. 

Love is such a beautiful, amazing, awe-inspiring and life changing experience and I can't wait to see what God has in store for you and your future husband's journey together. There will be hard times along the way, (and times you will want to ring his neck), but I know that with a mutual love for and faith in the Lord, you will be able to get through any and all of love's challenges with God by your side. And me, of course....I'll always be there to see  you through any challenge you face. 

I pray for the man who is to become your husband, and for your future marriage....I pray that he will be a gentleman, a spiritual leader for you and your family, and an example of what a provider should be, and that his goal in life is to be as Christ-like as possible in all his endeavors.  I also pray that as you grow up you will take notice throughout the years of how wonderful a man your dad is, and see the example he is setting for what a husband should be. I pray that you see how hard and how much he works for, and takes care of us, and loves us to the depths of his innermost being. I pray that you see what kind of husband you want and deserve when you look at the kind of man your dad is. 

I am so excited to get to watch you experience these things in your journey through life....I know that right now that is years off in the future, but I love thinking about who you will become and the experiences you'll have. (To quote one of my favorite books, "Oh, the places you'll go!")  It excites me to my core. And I hope you will always know throughout life that your dad and I will always be there no matter what to see you through all these experiences, good or bad. You already bring so much joy and love to us and you're not even  here yet....I can't fathom how much more light and joy you are going to bring to us once you are here, but I know that it will only get better. So I hope you know as you go through this life how special you are, and what you deserve....because I know you are going to be one of a kind, babygirl! 

Love, 

Momma

Random Sunday morning thoughts......

So it never fails that I'm never able to sleep in on the weekends. So here I am, up with a million different thoughts:


-Katelyn isn't even born yet, and I've already started thinking about and scheming ideas in my head for her first bday party....is that bad? (I'm officially obsessed with birthday parties)
-I'm working on becoming a domesticated diva....(minus the cooking part)....I'm really getting into decorating, home improvement (even though we don't own our house yet), scrapbooking, and organizing.....now I just need the money to put all my ideas in motion....or the time to scavenger hunt for good bargains and turn them into great finds! 
-I need to have a garage sale BIGTIME. 
-Better Homes and Gardens is my new fav magazine by the way!
-I am seriously going crazy thinking about scrapbooking Katelyn's life away.
-I would so move to Austin if we could stand to be away from our family and friends.....plus there's no way we are going to raise Katelyn away from her family.
- I have really been craving pancakes lately!
-My dog just ate a baby possum or rat or something outside....there is no way he is getting his morning kisses from me now! And good thing he has his rabies shots! 
-I am ready to just plop down into a pool for the next 3 months....I got a new maternity bathing suit and I am ready to put it to use!! 
-Anyone have a pool I can come lounge around by for the next 3 months?  :)
-The next 8 weeks cannot go by fast enough...workwise.....
-I am ridiculously in nesting mode and I want everything in order for Katelyn now!! That's all I can think about! 
-When I found out I was pregnant, I started writing a journal for Katelyn....it's bee fun adding to it throughout this pregnancy and telling her all about our experiences.....I'm so keeping it up until she's 18 and giving it to her at her graduation.
-In case you couldn't already tell, most of these random thoughts have to do with my babygirl to be.....I know, I'm a bit obsessed! :)

To Spank, or Not to Spank?

So I've always had a strong personal opinion on this topic, but now that I am becoming a parent myself, it's really been weighing on my mind more often. Now, before I go off on a tangent on my soap box, here me when I say I'm not intending to cause a sparked debate or controversy, and I'm not against spanking, but I'm not completely for it either. I am not one of those people who are crazy advocates of not spanking, but I don't like the stereotypical views that old school, hardcore pro-spanking people have against those of us who don't believe that spanking should be the first or necessarily the most appropriate option for discipline. And I'm so glad that my hubby and I are on the same page with this topic! 
Yes, at one point in high school and some of college, I WAS 100% against spanking, but after getting my psychology degree and taking multiple child abuse and child psychology classes in college, and becoming a teacher, the research and classroom has caused me to sway onto the moderate side within the last 5-6 years. I consider myself in the middle when it comes to spanking children, because I do believe that spanking has its place and effectiveness, but I have a lot of beef with many spanking principles that a lot of people have, and I don't think a lot of people get how it should be...I don't always think that spanking is the best discipline choice. 
So, soap box turned ON:
 It's really annoying to see or hear about parents spanking their children 24/7, but not doing it right, then wondering and complaining about why their child's behavior hasn't changed. I believe spanking has its time and place, but the problem I have is that many parents don't spank effectively. I know I don't have personal experience with my own child YET, but growing up being spanked, and with all the years of research I've done on this, I believe that there is a right way to spank, and it won't work unless the child is old enough to have a discussion about and understand why they were spanked and why their behavior was not acceptable.


Another problem is that so many parents spank out of anger, not out of love, or to teach right from wrong, like it should be. I was spanked as a child, and I love my parents, but I must say that it never did one bit of good for me. Why? Because I could always see that I was being spanked out of anger, just because my parents were mad about what I did, and they wanted me to stop my immediate behavior. There was never a discussion about my behavior, or why it wasn't okay, or what would happen in the future if I did it again. Sure it got me to stop momentarily, but I never learned anything from it, and almost always the behavior occurred again in the future. It just grinds my gears when I see people spanking this way, because it really just fosters resentment from the child as they grow up. 
I'm not saying it's easy to discipline effectively, but I believe it's definitely necessary and vital to successfully raising an emotionally stable, healthy child. I think sometimes spanking is the best option, but shouldn't always be the first resort that parents run to. I believe that other disciplinary options, like positive reinforcement, time outs, and taking away privileges are great places to start, depending on the severity of the behavior. And spanking will never be effective if the child doesn't understand the reasoning behind the spanking. Without that, they will never learn, and the behavior will most likely return and even increase in time. Now I definitely will spank my children whenever necessary and when it appropriately fits the behavior as the best consequence, but never will it be without a discussion. And I feel that this is the best way to effectively spank. It just hurts my heart when I see parents hindering their children's emotional wellbeing by using spanking for their own personal issues, and not for the sake of teaching right from wrong....that's why so many children grow up resentful, and with anger issues today....I'm not saying that's the only reason and parents are fully to blame, but it's a huge part of the issue I think. 
And I don't mean to harp on parents who are guilty of spanking this way, and I don't mean to hit any controversial buttons or imply that parents are "bad parents" if they spank ineffectively....I am not judging anyone or their parenting skills here...I understand that I am low on the totem pole when it comes to experience with my own child, since she is still in the womb....I just believe that the only way for anyone to ever learn or change is to get the dialogue going, and minds thinking about how to be the best and most effective parent they can be. Being a teacher has taught me so much about children's behaviors and motivations, and I've seen how big of a problem the parents CAN be. Not spanking at all can be just as huge of a hindrance for a child as spanking ineffectively, depending on the child and the parent. But what's important is to get people thinking about how to not necessarily spank better, but DISCIPLINE better. That's all this is, me thinking about what I want my parenting style to be as I  raise my babygirl. Because in the end, that's what it's all about right? The children.....and guiding them to become healthy, emotionally stable children and successful adults. 
Okay, Soap Box OFF. 
Sorry for the tangent, I've just always felt strongly about this, and it's been on my mind a lot more lately since I'm expecting, and Matt and I have been thinking about how we want to raise our babygirl Katelyn. I'm just thankful I have a loving hubby who agrees with this philosophy! So, yeah, that's all for now....hopefully no one was offended by this....it was not meant to start any debate or controversy.....just my thoughts and opinions!  :) 

We are having a girl!!!!

So, we've finally announced that we are expecting a baby girl! We found out on Valentine's Day, so it was very special!
The day was perfect....Matt and I both worked a half day, and in the afternoon had my doctor appointment. I wore my pink Valentine's Day shirt to try to give us some "girl" good luck.....and it worked, haha! In the waiting room I was so anxious and nervous that either it was going to be a boy, or that we weren't going to get to find out....seeing as both Matt and I are very stubborn people, I will be surprised if this baby is not very stubborn also. Anyway, all my nerves went away the moment we stepped into the ultrasound room. It was like a calm just came over me, and although I can't explain it, I just knew at that moment that we were having a girl.
So we get started, and, of course baby is very stubborn and would not open her legs to get a good picture! We could see a little bit, and since I was with my sister when she found out the sex of her child, I knew what to look for and where to look....so even though the nurse wasn't saying yet, I knew it was a girl just by looking at the small area we could see. There was nothing sticking out anywhere to indicate it was a boy. The baby was so stubborn that the ultrasound nurse was tapping on my tummy with the rolling device to try to get her to move....which was WAAAAY uncomfy for me because I already had to use the bathroom very badly. Anyway, at the end, the nurse just said, "Well, she's a little stubborn now isn't she?" And that confirmed it. She had known since the beginning, but didn't say it was a girl because she wanted to get a clearer picture. So anyway, that was that. Matt and I held hands, and were so happy....I was tearing up, and I swear I thought Matt was, but he won't admit it. :) 
It was such a special Valentine's Day...our first as a married couple, and with a baby on the way, and we got to find out the gender of the baby....so much love happening! When we were done we celebrated by having an early dinner at Chili's....it was so nice to keep up our tradition of always spending Valentine's Day alone together.....I know some people like to spend it with other friends or family, but we always cherish the day as OURS for just us.....and now baby girl too.  :)


Anyway, it was very hard to keep this news secret all week until Saturday when we had our gender reveal party. Everyone at work and our friends were trying to trip me up, and I did have a few slips, but luckily no one got too suspicious. So we had our party last Saturday, and it was so much fun. My mom was so surprised that she was wrong..she was dead set on it being a boy. Oh well. :)  So now that the cat is outta the bag, the real fun can begin!! We cannot wait to go register, and all I can think of now is pretty pink girly stuff! 
So that's all that's really been going on lately....it's hard to write about other things because this is really what my life is now....besides work, family, and the baby, we don't do much else.  Although I am going to go take a nap and enjoy resting for the rest of today since I am home sick from work. Sick = No Good....but  I hope you all have a Happy Monday! 

Trusting God during this new season of our life

In the last 6 months to year, with all the life changes I've experienced, I've seen God work in so many wonderful ways, yet put many difficult tests and situations before me. As hard as some stuff has been, I am thanking and praising Him for these tests, because I've realized that it's all to better build my trust in Him. Now, I consider myself someone who tries to follow God in everything I do, but it can be hard in everyday circumstances. I guess over the last few months, God has seen my trust in Him waver a little, so he started pushing me further. And I didn't see the purpose until this morning, for some reason. It's easy to quote bible scriptures, and other quotes or messages to people, on facebook, or wherever.....but is it as easy to follow what those quotes or messages teach us? Not always....and so while I thought I was following Him, it just hit me this morning, that while I was trying with every good intention in me, I was lacking in the 100% trust and faith department. 

Let me explain:

God tells us to trust Him, and have faith in Him no matter what. And I thought I was doing a pretty good job of that in my life. Until I started getting these lessons, or tests of faith from God, which have pushed my trust and faith to the brink. 

Test #1: Matt and I get pregnant 2 months into our marriage: Now our plan was to start trying around March to July 2011 so we could recover our finances from the wedding, and have time to enjoy being married without children.....but, as you know, here it is Feb. 2011 and I'm almost 5 months pregnant. Now don't get me wrong, I am loving and embracing this blessing, but it has been rough to have to change our plan for God's plan. Most people would freak out and go crazy. I've always known that God has a reason for everything He does, but following that belief 100% of the time is hard.  Especially since I am so neurotically crazy about planning my whole life away....I think He did this to get me to stop planning 24/7 for the rest of my life. He gave us this whirlwind surprise to get me back onto the "Trust Train".  I see now that the purpose of His timing for our pregnancy, is so that we can trust that although we aren't financially where we want to be and have doubts about how we are going to afford and raise this baby, He will bring us through it. It's not always easy to do what God wants us to do, but I'm realizing now that with faith He always brings you through what you think is the impossible. He always creates a way. 

Test #2: Changing relationships:  Since we have gotten married and pregnant, God has done a good job of showing me who our real true friends are. Now I know as people grow up and change, and life happens, you do tend to lose some people in your life, or relationships change due to those experiences. But wow, I was really shocked to see from my friends, as well as Matt's, who stayed in our life and who left once we got married and pregnant. I don't mean people who aren't close friends, or just acquantainces....I mean close friends who you'd think would always be there no matter what. I understand even the closest friendships change as you get older, but there are some I never expected to change or diminish the way they have. I expected some people to not understand, but it's hard stuff when it's the people you don't expect. So God has brought this situation in our lives to see how strong our faith is in Him. This was really hard for me especially, because I had a hard time understanding how my closest friends could just change on me and Matt and "leave" all of a sudden when I got pregnant. I don't want to lose friends, but as this experience has changed me, I'm realizing more and more that God is doing us a favor, and he doesn't want me to fight it. He is making way and clearing room for the people that matter most, and are true friends. Because Lord knows when this baby gets here, we will need all the support, love, and help we can get from friends and family. And we won't have room or time for the people who get upset that we can't go out partying because we don't have a babysitter, or when my morning and night sickness from being pregnant is too much for me to handle. And we won't have room for the people who are too selfish to understand that my baby will come first, and those who stop coming around because they don't want to be around children. God has been making room for the people who understand, and we are going to need in our lives once the baby is here, and I am just now seeing this "trust test" as a good thing. So thanks, God! I am now trusting that the people who have left my life have left for the best.

Test # 3: The actual process of giving birth to this baby: I have no shame in admitting that as much as I love being pregnant, and can't wait for our baby to be here, I am scared out of my mind of the labor and delivery. The only time I've ever been a patient in a hospital is when I was born myself...I've never had any surgery, or been sick for any reason. While I am thankful for my health, I  fear that because of this, I have no idea what to expect, and it's going to be harder on me. I don't like medicine, blood, needles, or anything having to do with a hospital, so it's been scary trying to prepare for what I am going to go through in about 4 months. I am terrified beyond belief of pain, and I've heard so many comforting words from others, but I still am terrified. I'm more terrified of the epidural I think, than the actual labor and delivery part. And I've been praying to God every night to help take care of me during this time and to calm my worries and stress, and so far that's been okay. But I realized a few days ago, that it works only when I'm in prayer with God. I am faithful and assured that He will be right there holding my hand every step of the way during delivery, WHILE I am praying to Him about it. During the day when I think about it, I start to lose that faith for some reason, and let the fear creep in. It's weird, because I tell myself I know it will be okay because God will be there taking care of me and the baby, but I still am fearful. So this made me wonder, "Have I really put 100% trust in God in this situation, if I'm still scared about it?" And I think the answer is no. Someone once told me that God gives you 9 months (10 really) to prepare for a child for a reason. And I know part of that reason is for me to prepare myself for the labor part, and to learn to trust that God will be there for me and the baby. I haven't been doing that 100% of the time, more like only 50 or 60%. So this pregnancy has also been an endurance test for me, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually to trust in Him. I know it is normal to have some worries and concerns during childbirth, but because of my faith, I feel like I should know better....and so I am really working on trusting that God will wash away all my worries and fears of childbirth on the day I give birth. 

So, there you have it. Those are the 3 biggest tests God has been pushing on me these last few months. This pregnancy is such a blessing for Matt and I, but it has brought on so many struggles as well. And I know that it's all for a reason....a bigger purpose, and it will be worth it in the end. In hindsight these things won't matter down the road, but I believe God put these struggles in my life for a reason, to really teach me and build my trust and faith in him 100% of the time. Or at least to try. I know it's hard for us as humans to trust God 100% of the time....but I think what's important to Him is that we live our life TRYING to do just that. I wouldn't be where I am today, or WHO I am today without all of the struggles, or teaching opportunities God has put in my life. I've had many over the years, and so as ambivalent as I feel about some of these new changes and struggles in my life, I welcome them with open arms.....because ultimately I know that these situations are building and shaping me to become closer to the person I am supposed to be, who God wants me to be.
So thank you God, for giving me all of the struggles and tests you've put before me. I am learning to trust in the reasons You do so. 

Selfishness: To Be, Or Not To Be?

I am really getting into the blog swing of things, aren't I? 2 in one weekend!

So, lately I've really been thinking about selfishness. My selfishness, others' selfishness, and selfishness in the world. I always used to think of it as a bad thing, but more recently I've seen that sometimes there is a need to be selfish in life. I've never considered myself to be selfish in the aspect that I only care about myself and my own wants and needs. I think I've always done a good job of being there for others, and giving of myself even when I don't quite have the stamina to do it, or get anything out of it. I've never cared about getting anything back in return, I just cared about being a good, kind person and trying to be Christ-like and altruistic in my endeavors. When others said I was being weak, or letting others walk all over me and take advantage, I brushed it aside and thought, "No, I'm just being a good friend no matter what."

But now I'm starting to see the light, so to speak. So I ask, when should you stop and say "Hold on now, I'm done being taken advantage of and made to feel this way." When does selfishness go from being necessary, to just plain mean and needy and non-understanding? I've learned lately that there is a fine line. When is it okay to take a second and say I really need to be selfish for myself in this situation?

I never thought of selfishness of a good kind in the past, because I've only experienced it from others in a needy, "me, me, me" kind of way. But now that I'm married and have a baby on the way (sorry guys, I know I relate everything back to being a wife and mommy), I see that there are times when you must be selfish for the wellbeing of your family, even if it's at the cost of others' happiness and what they want. I am learning that being a wife and mother means that I can and should be selfish in certain instances to look out for my family and what they want and need. I haven't always done that, and I may have been a little selfish in ways I'm just now understanding, but I see now. I see that it's okay for me to be selfish, and not do things or be there for other friends or family sometimes. Because that's part of life. As much as I don't like the sound of this, my life isn't about partying, and friends, and being there for any and everyone in my life 24/7. There is a time for that, yes, but more importantly, there is a time for being selfish in my own right, and do what I need for my husband and baby to be. And I think I deserve that right now. I deserve, after all the sacrifices, and selfless giving I've given over the years, to say "Hey, enough is enough! This is my time to get what I need, and not worry about others." So that's how I'll be living my life. Now I'll still be giving and selfless....I'm not saying I'm going to go all out and be crazy selfish in the bad sense....only in the necessary sense. I know what it says about being selfish in the bible, so that conflicts me when I think about all the selflessness God has shown, and shows everyday for us.

So, I started thinking again.....maybe there isn't an "acceptable" selfishness after all......maybe what I'm feeling is a need to have a good balance between giving selflessly to friends, family, and others in this world, while still taking care of myself and family and being responsible, without letting others walk all over me and make me feel bad for it. No one can make me feel bad, without me accepting that first, and I'm not going to do it anymore. So is there a "good" and "bad" selfishness? I'm still not sure, but I do know that this is something people in the world should really give a lot of thought to. I know it's a lot more complex than just what I've expressed here....there's many other facets a person can look at. My goal is just to make sure I have balance and the lines aren't blurred between giving of myself, and taking care of myself and family.